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On Your Own: How To Plan The Rehearsal Dinner
Q: My fiancée has informed me that my parents are responsible for the rehearsal dinner. My folks live out of state, so planning it is basically up to me. If I plan it, do I pay for it on my own? What kind of restaurant should I chose, and who do I invite? Do I need to dress up? Is the menu up to me, or do guests choose for themselves? Am I expected to give a toast? Help!
A: Time out. Take a big breath and relax. The goal of a rehearsal dinner is to have an event where the two families and members of the wedding party can get to know each other. Plan with that goal in mind, and things will fall into place.
Who's paying?
First, you should determine who's paying. Since you and your parents are hosting this party, your parents can foot the bill, the bill can be split between them and you, or you can pick up the bill. If they contribute financially but leave the planning to you, involve them on budgetary decisions. What's not acceptable is to make the rehearsal dinner "Dutch treat" with your bride and her family, so don't even think about it.
Who do I invite?
The next step is to build your invitation list. Traditionally, the rehearsal dinner is for the groom's and bride's families and the wedding party. Include any spouses or significant others as well. Beyond that, it's your choice if you invite some close friends or people who have come from out of town.
When I got married, my wife was the first person to wed from her generation of a large extended family. The rehearsal dinner could have grown to epic proportions. Instead, it was kept to immediate family and members of the wedding party. Even so, there was a crowd. Friends of my wife's family had dinner parties for other out-of-town guests so they had a place to go the evening before the wedding. It was a nice touch, and people loved it. After the rehearsal dinner ended, we went around to those parties to say hello, and thank the hosts for having the party and the guests for coming to the wedding.
Where should I have it?
In a nutshell: The dinner should reflect the tone that you want it to, and be as nice as possible within your budget. If you chose to have a formal dinner at a restaurant, look for a place with a private room so you don't have to worry about disturbing other diners. If a restaurant won't set the tone you're looking for, you can organize a festive barbecue, a casual sit-down dinner in someone's home, or even a sushi party or luau. Whatever you decide, the rehearsal dinner should never be more formal than the wedding reception itself.
My nephew's rehearsal dinner was ideal. The hotel in Manchester, Vermont, had a separate building that functioned as a private dining room. It was located in the woods next to a beautiful trout pond. No one else was disturbed; he had a DJ playing into the night; and everyone had a great time.
Who orders the food?
This is actually a budget question. If cost isn't an issue, you can simply have guests order freely from the restaurant menu. A set menu is easier to orchestrate and will keep the cost per plate under control. An economical plan is to order a set meal for the entire party in advance instead of distributing menus, or you can discuss with the restaurant the option of offering a choice of two entrees.
What do I wear?
If the dinner takes place at a nice restaurant, jeans and a T-shirt don't cut it. A jacket: yes. A tie: a good idea (you can always take it off). Making an effort to honor her family by looking sharp is a smart thing to do; however, keep the location and tone of the event in mind. If you went with the festive barbecue, a tie may not be appropriate, but you should still dress nicer than you would if it were a Super Bowl party. Also keep in mind where the rehearsal itself will take place, and dress appropriately if it's a place of worship even if the dinner is somewhere less formal.
Do I make a toast?
As hosts, traditionally the father and/or mother of the groom make a toast. But whether you are "the host" or not, you should make a toast too. The party is also a great opportunity for bridesmaids and ushers or brothers and sisters to make a toast too.
A hint about toasts: short is really good. After a few beers, you'll tend to ramble and make everyone squirm in their seats. So, write it down ahead of time, practice it lots, and then stick to the script.
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