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Including The Kids In Your Encore Wedding
Did you know that over 75 percent of all couples remarrying have children from a previous marriage? That's right, you are not the only encore bride considering the question, "How do we include our children in the ceremony in a meaningful way?"
First of all, ask your children if they want to be involved in the ceremony. It is extremely important to be cautious at this point. Some children feel that by taking part they are betraying the parent who is not remarrying. Other children may have not yet given up on the idea of you and your ex getting back together, and this closure can be quite traumatic for them.
Next, offer them a variety of ways in which they can participate. One option is the Family Medallion, where recognition of the new family is incorporated into the wedding ceremony. You can also ask your clergy to give a special family blessing, let the kids light a candle, or have them recite a spiritual reading or favorite verse.
If your children are between the ages of 3 and 7, they will be ideal flower girls or ring bearers. Kids 8 to 13 may consider being junior ushers or junior bridesmaids, while older teens and young adults can act as attendants. If your children are too shy to participate at this level, they may choose to assist with the guest book or simply stand next to you in the receiving line. The key point is that your children feel comfortable with the role they play.
Next, the Big Question: "Can I have my child walk me down the aisle?" This really depends on your child and how he or she feels about this remarriage. Keep in mind, your child has already "lost" a parent to death or divorce, and may not be overly eager to "give you away." An alternative is to have your clergy ask, "Who supports this union?" This can be answered by your children and immediate families, or even the entire group of guests.
If you are at all friendly with your ex-spouse, discuss your plans for your children's involvement in the wedding. Your spouse's support will help to alleviate any feelings of conflict or disloyalty that the children might be experiencing.
Most importantly, continue to keep your children in the loop throughout the planning process. By involving them, they will come to understand that this wedding will not only unite a bride and a groom, but an entire family as well.
Write to Beth at secondweddings@weddingchannel.com with your questions about planning an encore wedding.
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Beth Reed Ramirez, creator of Bride Again magazine (1998-2002) and editor of the new on-line version at www.brideagain.com, became a "bride again" when she remarried in 1996. Her own encore wedding took place on the 18th hole of a private country club and included her daughter and two stepchildren in the ceremony.
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